9/5/12 (wrote then, posted today...) I'm so sorry!

This is what we can call some bad ass blogging... Not bad ass as in good, but BAD!

One reason is that I don’t have the internet access that I used to, another one is that there has been a lot going on in my life.

I found a place to live that time. I moved in to a house with a Malawian lady, she had a house with her husband, with a spare bedroom. The husband was traveling a lot so she didn’t want to live alone all the time. The house was OK, just a normal Malawian house, in a normal Malawian neighborhood, and it was even walking distance to work. The bad part was that it didn’t have any hot water there, or a shower, so every time I wanted to take a bath, I had to boil a lot of water before taking my bath. And I can't even remember the last time I took a BATH, not a shower. But it was OK. Since I didn’t have much to do during the evenings, after knocking off work late, I could as well spend it preparing for my evening bath! Work was as usual, but I'll get back to that later in this blog.

Mike came back to Malawi! More than a month earlier than expected! His reasons are personal and maybe not that nice, but I was very happy, I AM very happy he came back earlier! So after I stayed at Jacintas house for a month, Mike and I went to find a place of our own. And we did. Its a guesthouse on some peoples plot, they have built some houses that they are renting out. And still in walking distance to work! The house is so so, not too bad, not too good, even though its completely new, there is a lot missing, and we can see it has been done some cheap labor here... But its already a home for us, and the rent is not bad! We are still lacking furniture though, no where to sit in the living room, but the floor. But it will work out eventually!

I have been sick for some time, had to be off work for almost two weeks, and when I came back things were even worse than before there.

These people and the place was going on my nerves now. It totally wore me out, both mentally and physically. Wednesday last week I was alone at work, a long elective operation list, an asshole of a surgeon (I think I have mentioned him before) and he didn’t even consider once to cancel his list, for the reason that I was the only nurse there. I don’t know how many times I asked him to give me some time to rest, but he didn’t want to sympathize with me.  At the end of the day, after 5pm of course (night staff always come in late), I totally lost it! This German/Norwegian nurse had come by to see me and deliver some equipment earlier that day, and she was very shocked that I was alone! And she said that this was nothing I had to tolerate, the way they have treated me for some time now, the fact that I am there for free, they take so much advantage of me, mistreat me, she said she had never stayed there! I think she just opened my eyes there and then, and I found out that I have even thought that thought my self, not putting up with these things, but I guess I felt it as a failure if I was to quit, but that day all my stress and frustration for the last months came out, and I actually quit my job there. There was a lot of anger and tear that came out at that point, and for people there it is not normal to just cry like that. But I couldn’t care less.

Its not easy for me to tell these things, I guess I still feel it as a failure, but I have to be honest. To both my family and friends, as to my donors, the once that have helped me financially.

I started looking for other places to volunteer, but after only two days they called me, begging me to come back. I felt really bad about leaving them, cause I know how bad they need the help, but I couldn’t let them destroy me. I came here to Malawi to work WITH people that need it, not to work FOR them. The team spirit that is in that theatre is so terrible, if they see that I work, they just find it OK for them to leave, or even not to show up.

So I told them, again, how I felt and how they have treated me, and today I want back to have a meeting with some of the nurses there and two of the Matrons. They were still very humble, apologizing a lot, and we actually agreed on different things and that I will start work there again. I will no longer be the nurse-in-charge, no longer be writing the duty roster, and I will not be on the roster. But I will write myself up for the days where I see that they need me. And I think this will be a good solution. We are even having a meeting on Monday morning with all the nurses in theatre about the team spirit and how to work better TOGETHER. I really hope things will work out good for us all.

On the 22^nd of April Tina and Erlend from Haraldsplass came to visit. They went on safari in Zambia, and then we went to the lake one weekend. They also came to work with me for a few days, but unfortunately this was all in my stressed and job-quitting period. But I hope they enjoyed seeing Malawi and the way I live here, I really appreciated the visit! Tina is now climbing Mount Kilimanjaro! You go girl!

I hope it won't be over a month till the next time I blog, I hope you can all forgive me!